What is this?

QU'EST-CE QUE C'EST? ***WHAT IS THIS?***CHTO ETO?

Welcome to At the Ruins (by Shirley B. Trew), the generic phrasebook-cum-novel introduced by the dear Professor Emeritus Jacques Roundabout in the blog at-the-ruins.blogspot.com.

Here, the Conventional/Traditional novel form is used, just the way Charles Dickens's work (originally a 19th. c. blog of the era) is now packaged in fat books.

Read Professor Roundabout's Foreword, then plunge into the phrasebook novel. Uh, novel phrasebook.

Just read Post #1, then Post #2, and so on. At the bottom of each page, CLICK OLDER POSTS. Don't worry, you'll catch on eventually.

Contact me at sbtrew@gmail.com

P.S. THE FOREWORD SETS UP THE PREMISE; YA GOTTA READ IT.


FOREWORD, by Professor Jacques Roundabout


Often, people travel in pairs. One has common sense, the other speaks a little of the language. One is obsessed with maps, the other with native costumes. One is into photography, the other, shopping. One keeps an eye out for food, the other, ruins.

Here, finally, is the perfect travel phrasebook for both of them.

The problem with so many well-intentioned travelers' phrasebooks is that they're written in two languages, when in fact travelers most often find themselves juggling three or four at least as they seek stimulation and adventure around the world, and directions on how to find a bathroom.

But hardly anybody can handle three or four languages, and most Americans can't even handle two.

Besides, when the natives offer to sell you things, ask you questions, or even give you directions, they speak in their own language, with their own accents, and at normal speed. So even if your phrasebook has all the answers in it, everything will happen too fast for you to be able to translate and understand what they've said.

This first generic phrasebook skips over the frustration and gets right to the essence of your travel experience.

At long last, here is a traveler's phrasebook that translates all the phrases that you are likely to use, need, or hear into one language--good old American English. For the first time, you can finally grasp the essence of your travel experience.

Bon voyage! Oops--Good Trip!

J.R., Timbuktu

Wednesday, September 26, 2012


POST #1: LANGUAGE AND INFORMATION

I don't speak (language).
I can speak a little (language).
Say it again more slowly.
Can you repeat it, please?
Can you say it again more slowly, please?
Did you get any of that?
Maybe it's subjunctive.
I think you're just making excuses.
Have you tried French/Bengali/Russian/Urdu/Tagalog/Tzeltal?
Am I just imagining things or is everyone staring at us?
Is that man a policeman?
Is that man a soldier?
Is that man a priest?
Is that man a customs inspector/airline pilot/sanitation worker?
Is that a list of towns or kinds of beer?

(Whispered). Don't say anything in English and maybe he/they won't know we're Americans.
I could say a few words in French.
Just shut up.
What does (word) mean? I think it's a verb. Maybe not.

Well, the dictionary says it means to conquer, surrender, return, produce, or vomit.
Thanks. I'm glad this wasn't an emergency.

Is there an information booth?
Do you see an information booth anywhere/somewhere?
Ask him where the information booth is.
Could you tell what language he is speaking?
Maybe we can look it up in a brochure.
Can't we find a brochure on it?
Did they mention tickets in your guidebook?
Is that man a policeman/soldier/priest/militia/street sweeper?
A map. Can we buy a map anywhere around here? A map of this city.
I thought there was a map in Part of the World for Cheapskates.
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POST #2: MONEY MATTERS, BEGINNER'S LEVEL

Can you change dollars here?
How many bongoes per dollar today?
Is that the official rate?
Is there an official rate?
This doesn't seem like what they told us at the travel agency.
Are we buying or selling?
We're selling dollars and buying bongoes.
Am I reading the sign right? 350,000 bongoes per dollar?
I think that's it. But 390 million bongoes for us to buy a dollar.
That doesn't sound quite right to me.
I don't know if I can get used to this.
Didn't you change any money at the airport?
Is three million bongoes a lot?

Of course it is. Almost a hundred dollars. I mean ten dollars. Wait a minute.
Do they take traveler's checks?
Can I use my charge card?
Why can't he say yes or no?
Is he saying yes or no? Which one?
Should we try somewhere else?
We can't get very far without bongoes.
Is there anyone here who speaks English?
Why aren't there any other tourists here?
Does he still have your passport?
Is that man a policeman/soldier/priest/sanitation worker?
I don't think I can get used to this.
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POST #3: ACCOMMODATIONS-ROOM, BATHROOM, SHOWER

How much is a private room?
Can we see the room please?
Are there any bathrooms?
It costs how much extra for a shower?
Does the door lock?
Is there a key?
Can I leave my luggage here?
Do you think our packages will be safe?
Where is the light? Is there a light? Did you see a light switch?
Should we go ask the man at the desk for a light bulb? Will it cost extra?
Can you help me get this window open?
What do you mean the window doesn't open?
How do you turn the heat on?
Is this a heater?
Is there heat in this room?

Can we see the bathroom?
Are there any rooms with bathrooms?
Is there a bathroom on this floor?
Why are there two toilets in here?
How do you flush this one?
Where can we buy toilet paper?
What is the word for toilet paper in (language)?
Could we please have some towels?
And, could you bring me a balloon for my head?
Could you bring up a pillow, please.
I want to set my head on a very small mattress.
A pillow. Never mind, I'll use a towel.
Could you bring an extra towel?
A towel. Like a rug but cleaner.
When can we get some hot water?
No, not hot water for tea, hot water for showers.
That's OK, then, just bring up a pot of tea.
There is no water in the sink.
There is no water in the toilet.
Why is the bathroom shaped like this?

I can't reach the sink without standing on the toilet. How did you brush your teeth?
I used the shower. It's cold anyway.
Was there an inch of water on the floor when you were in the bathroom?

How do you say "shower"?
Is there a thunderstorm? Is there irrigation here?
Why is he looking at me so strangely?
Is it possible to find a hot waterfall here?
Are you sure that's the word?
Is that a shower?
There is no hot water.
There is no cold water.
There is no water in the shower.
There is hot water during the day when the air is hot.
There is cold water during the night when the air is cold.
There is water when no one is washing their clothes or flushing a toilet.
The handle won't turn.
The handle turns but no water comes out.
Water comes out but after twenty minutes it's still cold.
I think the drain is clogged.
Move your backpack.
Move your suitcase.
Move your shoes.
Get on the bed/chair.
How many ways can a shower not work?

Is this the shampoo you bought? Are you sure it's shampoo?  This isn't working. It smells like hand lotion.
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